Draft from my Notes
“And maybe I was destined to forever fall in love with people I couldn’t have; maybe there’s an whole assortment of impossible people waiting for me to find them. Waiting to make me feel the same impossibility over and over again’
-carol rifka brunt
And for the longest time, I have tried to make some sense of life. I have tried to find a purpose to live, and a reason to wake up. I am growing older each day and things are getting difficult. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever reach a place that's just enough for me. I find myself in the middle of chaos and wonder why it is that I don't give up even when I can't figure out why I live. And I have found that all I do, all I can ever do is hope. I wash my eyes after waking up hoping to see things clearly, ready to face things I have tried to forget before falling asleep. I hold the hands of my friends and loved ones hoping my warmth reaches them in some way. I study diligently hoping I learn something I can remember for a long time. I photograph the trees swinging with the wind and sit under the vast blue sky, dipping my toes in water hoping that the mess in my heart will lessen a little once I realize how tiny I really am in this boundless universe. I call my siblings and talk about mundane things and things that stress them out hoping they will know that they aren't alone; I am with them even when I am far away. And I sleep reading books about things I have never experienced before hoping to understand the nature of life a little and practising acceptance for anything that the world may throw my way. I have realized that maybe a purpose doesn't have an exact form or definition. I have never really known what exactly I want from life. I only know what I don't want and maybe for now, it's enough because that means I know the parts that I don't want to invest in. We are here to love and learn and grow into the person that we have always wanted to become. And no matter what happens, maybe the most we can do is hope. Maybe that's all the reason why we are alive. Maybe all that we have to do is find what we really hope for. They can be a bunch of what-ifs or trivial things that matter to no one but us. And then, we have to weave a dream inside that hope and try our best each day to live fulfilling those hopes. Even when we feel that it seems like a faraway illusion, a distant fantasy, I hope that we don't just daydream about it but go all out to chase it and experience what living for something we want really is like. If we can experience it just a little, I know that we can mend our tiny, broken hearts. And that will be enough, more than enough for us to keep living.
