I want to disappear, but…
At times, I feel so strong an urge to be out of all this that it feels like a need. I want to disappear-not forever, but for some time. It is not about leaving the people I love behind; it is about stepping away from that life, from those responsibilities weighing me down, and from the internal chaos which will not keep silent. Not that I want to leave them behind, but stress, self-doubting, and all those pressures that build up inside me.
I want to disappear, but I'm afraid. To take a break-even just a little while-makes me frighten that I might lose the connections dear to my heart. When I finally feel ready to come back, perhaps those people have moved on. Or worse still, what if I go back only to discover I have become a stranger to them? Perhaps when I leave, something in me will have changed, and perhaps that change scares them away.
I want to disappear because I need peace. There's a part of me which is crying to be alone, space where I can be-thoughts, no need to don my mask and pretend everything is okay. No need to keep pretending that I am being all that is expected of me. It's a space where I can find my way in all of these feelings and sit with my thoughts, feeling everything that I have put off. It feels like there is no other way to silence this cacophony in my head unless I disappear from the world.
But I don't know. How long would I need? Days? Weeks? Months? And in that time, would I slowly begin effacing myself like a ghost in the lives of the people I love? My family, my friends — I love them so dearly. They're the anchors, the safe harbors for me. However, there are instances when I feel like being around them is a duty, a show. The idea of disappearing does not mean that I am running away from them; it means that I could finally find strength to face my internal battles on my own. I need to do this for myself and should not expect others to comprehend this.
This is the only place, sometimes, where I can breathe. The silence is comforting, and solitude lets me explore all these aspects of myself that I put into hiding. Strange, isn't it? The fact that I want to dissolve into shadows people feared most. I want to spend time in this silence, in this space where I could be without all these interruptions.
But the fear keeps hitting me again and again: When I return, will they remember me as I was? Will they still love me with the same fire, or will they have grown alien, so I will have to discern how to reintroduce myself into the lives of those I cherish? I am concerned that I may be missing something if I leave, and perhaps by staying in my current state, I will lose something about myself at least.
The desire to be gone is never about leaving anyone behind. It is about coming back to myself. Returning with a clearer mind, a heart a little more healed, and a soul at peace. Returning as a person who might give love and be present and fully show up for others because they would have taken the time to show up to themselves.
Here I sit between indecision as to whether I just need to get lost in the darkness or stay a little longer in the light. I only hope that my family and the rest could understand this necessity of staying alone once again. Then, when I'm ready to return to the light, maybe once I will be able to find them standing, arms open wide to welcome me back into the light. Until that day, I hold onto the hope of finding comfort in the shadows and basking within the sun, of learning how okay it is to want a break so long as I don't forget to come back.
