The Way I used To Be
Growing up is weird, you know? Sometimes you’re laughing with your family over dinner because you are thrilled over the smallest of things, and you wake up the next morning sitting in silence staring into your phone like you forgot where all that joy went. It’s not that I don’t love my family or that I have lost care-it’s just that something feels different. The happiness I used to feel? It’s like it’s no longer as easy to find.
It’s just not the same. Everything was light when I was younger. The laughter and conversation were easy; we spent so much time together. I was looking forward to gatherings instead of skipping out. Now everything feels heavy. Sometimes I’d just as well be alone sitting at the dinner table as be there talking with everyone else, and I don’t know why.
I am not saying that I’m unhappy, but maybe I don’t fit as snugly in that space to which I once belonged so easily. As if growing up meant growing apart-not only from people, but from that carefree version of myself, too.
What Changed?
I must say that what probably occurred was a lack of being able to identify when things started going in a different direction. Responsibilities creep in, and everything becomes more so about what needs to be done rather than what you want to do. So, work, studies, or personal goals become the center stage in life. Little things that one used to enjoy do begin to take the backseat.
The complexities of adulthood drove innocence and simplicity. Stress, expectations, and the constant pressure to “be someone” started penetrating. When I sit with family, it’s not the same; my mind is elsewhere, thinking about the future or what needs to be fixed in the present.
Disconnection from the Family
The family system is not the only thing to have changed — personal changes are plenty as well. People get busy, conversations become short, and sometimes it feels we are all living under the same roof. A bit of nostalgia filters in while recollecting how we all used to stay around together, laughing and talking without a worry in the world. Now it’s forced-like we all are trying to hold onto something that’s slowly slipping away from us.
I grow into solitude more often, not because I am angry or frustrated but because I am quietly exhausted. It feels easier to scroll through my phone or binge on whatever show is around than it does to engage with the world around me. I miss how things were but do not know how to go back.
Finding a New Kind of Happiness
Maybe the happiness I am looking for isn’t the same as it once was, and that’s okay. Growing up means learning that some things will change. What we once had as children-most probably shall not come back like it used to; however, that does not mean we cannot find alternative routes to connect and be fulfilled.
I suppose it is a learning curve growing up; finding that delicate balance between past and present takes time. And it is okay sometimes to feel at a distance, for part of maturation is making room for new experiences, not always as fluid as it once was.
In Acceptance of the Now
I don’t know yet, but perhaps that is the point. I am a different memory than what I once was; yet, who I am could still grow and change. Happiness may not take the same form it did for me when I was a little child, and that’s just a matter of doing it differently.
We all have our own version of this story-the slow drift, the quiet yearning for what once was. And perhaps that’s part of growing up-learning to be okay with change while holding onto things that still matter, even if they don’t feel right.
Then, here’s to the way we used to be and the journey we’re still on. Not easy, but it’s ours.
